Friday, February 14, 2014

Been thinking a lot lately

Looking at what I am going to do with my life, I have many achievements, which only up till now have been a hindrance blocking me from achieving anything in life. I have little to no pass outside of those achievements and to the real world those achievements mean nothing. To a employer, friends, or family, they are meaningless because they do not understand the hardship, nor do they care. They don't care how many people I helped every year to survive in my service, as a scout donating my time to help the less forcheinet many times a year not just once... They don't care about survival skills I have learned, and could teach to those who need it or any information on technology I have learned I have learned through out my education. All they care about is how I can benefit them, and over time I have realized I am on my own, I find people not talking to me for who I am, or a shared interest rather how I can benefit them. None of them would ever have talked to me unless I talked to them for the first time or anytime.


As a river we are always changing as we go down the flow unable to ever go back, mistakes made, remorse, and regret are all things we must either accept or forget or we will be trapped under a log, still moving but unable to see in life, unhappy, and unwilling to move on if we hold on too tight to the past. We are who we are now not who we were. That is where I have been for a very long time, trapped under a log, I don't know how to get out other than let go of what is holding me under. But I am unwilling to let go because how far down this river I have gone the same path.

My whole life I never expected benefits from others, I have always expected more out of me than out of others. I found myself constantly being used to do things for people who other wise wouldn't for themselves completely forgetting about my own needs and wants. Being nice to people I shouldn't have, knowing they stole from me, used me for what I had, and other wise had no respect for me. I just felt everyone was this way including myself because I wanted the respect of atleast one person in my life, my family surely didn't. This is all of my past, I did so much for others without a care for my own needs.. I thought it would go on for ever.. Then I became useless to these people.. I ran out of money to spend... I became too depressed to do anything... going under that log.... All because I could not find happiness in life... No one care for me, just what they got out of me, and how it benefits them...

All of these ideals I hold on to tightly, all these achievements that no one cares about, all these people who cry, and die each and every single day that these people don't care about. Greed is the seed, in which I see in most people, atleast everyone I have encountered in life. I find myself with no friends, no family, no work, no hope. All because I am trapped under a log and each time I think I am out of it, my realization drags me down under it. I have no one here to care remotely about me at all, about what I did, just how I benefit them.
Most of my life I have been alone, but you can only be so alone for so long before it starts to bother you. In life I have faced rejection almost every opportunity, the only time I haven't is when it benefited someone else, and usually its something I don't want to do but I do it anyways at the hope that someone may actually care. They don't....I care about everyone I meet... I just can't come to terms with how alone I am...

I can not forget, I can not accept because I been under this log my whole life as long as I can remember. Never happy.... I don't even know what true happiness is. I fake the emotion in front of others, I fake joy, excitement, I fake it all just to try to connect with someone... I never am able to... I am rejected nearly the moment I am seen, I see it in peoples eyes, hear it in their voices, and when ever I try to get close to someone, I find them lieing to me, telling me stories to avoid communication about themselves, myself, and a relationship....

This is why I am trapped under a log I am rejected by the world... As a kid I said I always wanted to be alone, lieing to myself... telling myself that its better this way.... that if the world doesn't want me f* the world... While my actions said very differently... trying to get anyone to even remotely be nice to me . The only time people were, it felt fake. It felt like they wanted benefits from me other than acknowledgement of existence, it felt like finicial benefit or a task in which they did not want to do themselves.

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